i UNderstand

In Bangladesh advertising market, social communication, i.e. development communication (those were pre-FB times), used to be a big business. At one point UN agencies were spending millions through us advertising people along with a host of other local and international clients. But the business dried up. It boiled down to direct wheeling dealing between the client and the vendors/media, pre-decided media and vehicle choice, zero emphasis on ideas and so on.

Development communication aka social communication (because many of the practitioners still don't have FB) does not communicate... and, does not make a lot of business sense. Though millions of dollars are spent, they are by design spent by rank amateurs like partner NGOs, community organizations... and, the media (primarily TV stations and newspapers), because they are closer to the government.

How did this happen? Why?

Pretty simple. The development sector DOES NOT want professional communication campaigns. Because they are not professionals. Their jobs are not about making money, which is the primary criteria for professionalism (call it capitalism if you wish to). They are social movers, do-gooders, and change makers. They CAN NOT in any way believe in what professional communicators do.

So, what does the professional communicator, i.e. the manipulator, the filthy salesman of useless consumerist junk do?

Let's see. There's insight mining, behavior analysis, perception mapping, communication mapping, media and market tracking to begin with. There's brand ideation, idea testing, integrated communication design, impact projection and so on. Did I mention investment efficiency, communication efficiency measured in attention grabbing quality, likability and memorability at the very least, brand and communication property development, or cognitive disruption?

Well, since us profit-making scum-of-the-earth engage in all that, the development sector MUST stay clear of them. It is only natural that they form their own communication strategy departments, and then hire strategists who has never heard of brand tracking or NGRP or any of the basics. Mind it, they know their own set of concepts like focused communication, cross-cutting issue, stakeholder participation, and service providers. All good concepts. But it is difficult so see how they replace the concepts used in the professional circuits (i.e. brand idea etc.).

Ironically, after reducing the role of agencies from consultants to vendors the development sector still wonders why their most carefully designed communication is less effective than the average soap or shampoo commercial.

So far it's all good. The biggest losers are us. And, probably communication effectiveness along with creativity.

But, I really can't ignore the fact that people still remember the big campaigns developed by professional agencies for the development sector. Decade old campaigns are still getting high top-of-mind recall, including some low frequency short duration campaigns. I also can't help noticing that Asiatic JWT has been the agency (for strategy, creatives, media and activation) for many of them like Vitamin A campaign for UNICEF (i.e. "rog balai toh ase duniya-i") or early learning campaign for UNICEF (i.e. "mon cholo jai ishkool-e"). There also are Sisimpur (US-AID), Lagba Baji (SMC), Shobuj Chata (BCCP) and others. Ahem.

Interestingly, they can't recall any of the recent campaigns (not to mention their messages, made with all the right intentions) even when aided. Proliferation media leading to audience fragmentation is definitely one big reason. Gives me reason to think that we need more insights for the fragmented audience, we need to plan for media more professionally in this day and age of high proliferation. It also gives me reason to think that a professionally crafted campaign with all the necessary components like idea, media, activities, properties and creative execution is an absolute need. Cases in point - our little campaign on skill development training for Swiss Contact, or our campaign on avian influenza for Academy for Educational Development.

And, I have a light apprehension that, in many of the cases, the urge to move away from the salesmen was so great that the campaign forgot to target what any shampoo or soap maker is bound to target for their own survival - the people. Many of these campaigns do not target the people (defined as beneficiary, participant, audience, TG and so on). They target the donor, the government, the media and the parent offices.

Sad but, from what I see, true. Ignore all conspiracy theory and just check out the semantics. The words, concepts, promises, images, and invites these communication use are more friendly towards the client and its partners. The notions were by the communication science of a thousand differing activists (all running high on the adrenaline of field experience in running community programs) forging complex non-binding documents in conferences around the world (generally nice locations like Cannes, Rio, Venice, Dubai and Amsterdam).

When consulting doctors, the same client does not visit a folk doctor, or for legal advise does not go to the local tea stall. But, when it comes to communication folk wisdom and anecdotes from around plays VERY important roles. I can try to guess why that happens, but that will be all conjecture. I have nothing to prove for those guesses.

So, I guess it is time to wrap. Just remember, we the baddies have a few things going for us - expertise, experience and excellence in execution. Do not not sale your campaign short. Seek out professionals to do your work for you. The money you save by flying blind is only money wasted.

We may not be god's gift the communication, but we try. Often with success.

City of Joy

The first thing you notice when you come out of the airport to meet Dhaka for the first time has to be the sheer number of people overflowing from every corner in Dhaka. UN Habitat’s Urban Data tells us that Dhaka hosts 14.54 million people in 324 square km (according to Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics more than 2 million are slum dwellers). 44,500 people lives per sq km in Dhaka. That makes it the most densely populated core urban area in the world.

According to World Population Review, the population of Dhaka was about 300K in 1950, which means it has grown some 50 times (yes, that’s right) in about 65 years. Also it continues to grow 2.2 times faster than the national average, which is saying a lot for the 9th most populated country in the world. In 15 more years it will be more than 27 million people. According to Daniel Hoornweg & Kevin Pope, it will be the third largest city by population in 2050 (they predict New York to be 9th and Tokyo to be 7th in that year).


This is how they live.

This how they move.

There are 3,000 km of roads in Dhaka (The Only Solution by Md. Saidur Rahman), which is less than 7% of urban area (compare to New York and Paris with 30% of land given to roads). More than half of only 400 km of sidewalks are overtaken by street vendors, and there are only 60 traffic lights in the city. The streets have 128 street corners per km (The Geometry of Urban Layouts: A Global Comparative Study By Mahbub Rashid), making them even less navigable for some 1 million cars, half a million rickshaws and half a million more of unregistered vehicles.

The sheer chaos of so many people crowding together, putting extreme pressure on every infrastructure, is spectacular (for example 4.5K tonnes of waste generated daily and only 63% of that is never collected - the stench is awesome). It is compounded by the lawlessness of the systems and the natural inclination of the people to be unruly. Mercer ranks Dhaka 214 among 231 cities in their livability index and Economist Intelligence Unit ranks Dhaka as the 2nd least liveable city, while the Future Law Initiative ranks Bangladesh 103 among 131 countries in their rule of law index.



The above picture is from an affluent part of the city, expect uncollected rotting trash.
You would still be fortunate if you are travelling now, as the all pervasive billboards of Dhaka were outlawed in August 2016. Otherwise that would have been the first thing you would have noticed.



This how billboards covered the city two years back.

You still would probably be visually struck by the 500K cycle rickshaws plying the overcrowded streets of Dhaka. These cycle rickshaws are the mainstay of middle class transport in Dhaka (approximately 20% of the Dhaka population and 50% of Dhaka landowners), and are a highly interesting sight with their bright decoration and folk-artsy back-boards.


You can’t miss the cycle rickshaws.

Rickshaw art 1

Rickshaw art 2

Dhaka is one of the least motorised cities in the world. Number of all vehicles per 100,000 population is only 2,630 vehicles, among them about 2,195 are non-motorised vehicles. It is observed that rickshaws and other NMT account for 50% or more of the overall traffic flow on roads. After pedestrians, the rickshaw is the most preferred mode of transport in Dhaka. About 60% of trips are on foot while almost half of the remaining trips are on non-motorised vehicle. (source) But still, lack of roads makes Dhaka the traffic capital of the world.
You can’t miss the traffic congestion either. And, you can’t miss the noise levels. While UK Environment Protection Act of 1997 sets 45 dB, in Dhaka the average noise is 75 or more for residential areas, making hearing loss, stress and other noise related problems a major health hazard.

Sight, sound and smell - Dhaka will strike first time visitors very strongly. Try not to experience Dhaka in the night. According to Numbeo, safety index for walking in the night in New York is 50, for walking during daytime in Dhaka has an index of 46. Stay safe, stay patient while in Dhaka.

This isn't just theory

What makes social media so important?

For one, it is not one-way communication. The audience can always talk back to you. Audience-feedback is instantaneous, direct and... Well... Often surprising.

For the audience and the holy grail of communication - audience attention - this presents a wonderful opportunity. When engaged right they can feel so empowered and cared-for, that the right use of social media can create loyals out of casuals and fans (a short form for fanatic) out of loyals.

Take the LCSS Facebook group for an example. Did you notice that fans kept posting and discussing even when the show was almost a year in the past, and even though we hardly engaged them?

This also presents a wonderful opportunity for the communicator. It's like the difference between the actor on the stage who instantly knows about her performance from jeers and cheers, and the screen actor who gets to know probably a year later from the phone calls, mails and public reviews. No wonder, almost all big Hollywood actors tries the stage out at the height of their confidence.

But social media seems difficult. So many groups and like-pages and network-pages and individual profiles exist. So many options. And... Really... Haven't we seen most of these pages and groups failing?

For instance, take a look at those dozens of groups Nokia created in Bangladesh. All are floating in limbo from the very outset.

Okay. The first step is simple - START.

Yes, just go ahead and start. Until you ask that boy out, how are you going to find out if he's going to turn you down or not?

Then keep the conversation running.

Have you ever noticed how much sweet nothings float in the air when people are trying to bond, to forge a relationship, to get to a consensus? It's not necessarily what you say, but also how you say it.

Doing that with your boyfriend or your friend is probably not as difficult as conversing with thousands of unknown people. No, you wouldn't know the participants/audience of your facebook group personally. Not always. Not if your group is successful. They come from different backgrounds and with different expectations.

So how do you keep the conversation running?

Three principles:

• SEEDING: give them something to discuss about, as in create content - images, videos, events, posts, discussions, comments (yes, more than 80% of Facebook content are just the comments)
• FEEDING: keep the conversation alive, be responsive (laugh, rebuke, cheer, jeer, inform, educate, motivate... It's community after all)
• WEEDING: don't tolerate or create junk, spam or disruptors

Nurture the group as you nurture your on-line circle of friends. If you don't know what an on-line circle of friends is, check the comments you make, the messages you send, the pictures you upload and the time you're on chatting. Do you meet all these people more often on the virtual world or the real world?

Be friendly. Be interesting. Be informative.

On social media, you don't target your audience. Rather you become the target for your audience.

Assign at least two resources to dedicate some time to social media. Obviously, one can only preach. Discussion starts with at least two people. Be sure that those two people are able to do more than uploading pictures and pressing the like button.

They have to be able to TALK, through images, videos, words and more.

Did they put in caption to the image uploaded? A title to the video? Did they tag anyone to draw attention? Did they put in the necessary information in the event invite, or dress it up with pictures and videos? Are they sending too many bland messages to all members? Please, be friendly, interesting, and informative.

But, everyone at the communicator’s side need to chip in. If you don't belong to the community you create, why would you expect others to belong to your community?

Did you invite your friends to the group? Did you comment on anything? Did you make a wall post, or create a discussion? Then what are you doing on the group? Even the common fans are doing more than what you are doing.

Some of those groups or pages have additional advantage. Like the LCSS group, which has previous winners as members and officers. They are wonderful opportunities for seeding and feeding... After all the community is full of their fans. With some effort put into it, this can obviously be taken further. For example - updates on their career highlights and posts and comments from them.

Social media is constant engagement, unlike the thirty-seconder. And it's growing. Let's make things more interesting from where we stand. It's not too difficult.

And, of course, have someone to pay for the efforts and resources. :-)

I wrote this in 2010. Back then Facebook was no business platform, with pages and verified pages and promoted posts and in-stream ads and what not. But, with all the advertisement stuff, that is the same as TV or print, only more frequent and better targeted, we have essentially lost much of our conversation.

The LCSS group was shut down by the client without even notifying us, all the assets built up over a decade was lost because of a client – Syeda Bushra Sania Faiz – did not have enough brains to care.

Draft: Television

Story 03: Episode 01

The story begins showing Zara and Amir traveling by a rural local bus packed full with farmers and the farm produces, both animate and inanimate. Zara looks out the window to see the charms of a green Bangladesh, while Amir listens to the farmers chat. One young passenger hails the driver to announce that he'd like to disembark at certain place. The chatting stops, while the driver groans - "We don't stop there." The young man argues that the bus has been stopping at every request, and this place should be no different. The driver groans louder and more irritated, "What you don't know, boy, you don't know. Now shut up and sit down. I'll drop you at the nearest convenient stop."

The nearest convenient stop comes five kilometers down the road, and both Zara and Amir decide to follow the young man to the forbidden destination. The more they proceed to the intended place, the less frequent become people, birds, cows and animated life form. All three, who have already become acquainted, notice this. They Zara and Amir gets to know that they are heading to the parental home of Yasser, the young man.

They reach a village where everyone is going through their daily chores like Zombies or robots, without any apparent emotion or botheration. Otherwise it's a perfect reflection of a regular village. They don't fail to notice this either. Yasser and his new friends are received well by Yasser's parents. They fresh up, have a snack, and then go out to take a stroll around the village. Yasser tries to chat up a some people he was friendly with in the past, but no one entertains him beyond a few cursory one-word responses. They give up, and start looking out for signs of non-human animal life. None is seen.

Night falls, and they start going back to Yasser's home. On their way back, they suddenly discover that all the villagers are heading toward one single house in the middle of the village, the house that has a battery run TV. Yasser laughs, and says that some things never change. They head to that house to take a look at the TV program that attracts everyone in the village.

Coming closer to the house, they see the TV brought out onto the courtyard like so many other rural Bangladesh households. But, there's a certain strangeness to the scene, as the TV is only showing static noise, and everyone is watching it like it's the best TV show in the world. In unison they laugh and cry, shout in anger and whisper in anticipation. The three stops proceeding any further, rather they hide behind a fence to watch the scene in awe, until a little boy approaches them from behind and startles them bad.

"What are doing here? You are not like them," demands the boy. "I was about to ask the same question," replies Zara, while Amir adds, "Why are you not watching the TV?" The boy looks at them apprehensively and then says, "I am don't watch it, and that's why I still remain human. I'd recommend you do the same... better, you run. I don't know if I can survive long. But, you must get away." While this is going on, the TV site changes a bit. One by one the villagers go up to the TV and touches the screen. Everyone touching the screen is overwhelmed by an expression of deep pain, as if something is drawing the life-juice out of them. One of the older villagers collapses down with a shriek, but no one cares to take a look.

The episode ends on this high note.

Story 03: Episode 02

The episode begins exactly where the last episode ended. The boy, Suman, leads the trio away from the TV lot. He narrates how a year back one day the TV, the only one in the village, stopped showing shows, but the villagers kept watching the static noise ("zhir zhir" in Bengali). This apparently drew out all humanity, as well as life energy out of them. They started killing off all moving beings and eating them raw. Then with a shudder he tells how they ran out of moving beings sans the people, and they started eating people. Well, they only eat those who collapse after touching the TV screen, and only after the viewing is over. He also describes how the rest of the world, at least the world according to him, has blocked the area off and ceased all transaction with them. While he narrates this horrifying story, glimpses of flashbacks can be seen, to make the story more appalling.

"Outsiders are easy prey, like you three are," Suman declares somberly, adding, "I survive, because I keep hiding all the time, and unlike them, I eat only green things that grow on trees and bushes." All four of them wait the night over, not returning to Yasser's parents' place. All the while they can sense that there's a search party looking for them.

With day-break Suman urges them to leave any how they can. Yasser tries to protest, as he wants to take one last look at his parents. But, the rest of companions convince him not to. Zara starts a fight with Amir, who doesn't believe in anything unexplainable by science. Amir really can't argue back. Suddenly he looks like he's been hit by an idea pretty hard. He rises and declares that he's going into the village with Suman for one important reason, telling the rest to wait till they come back or two hours, whatever comes first. Completely perplexed everyone in the group try to resist him, but he presses on and manages to take Suman along.

Suman and Amir stealthily approach the TV house to find the TV still out on the courtyard. Amir picks up a shovel lying unattended, and runs towards the TV set. He hits the set with all his might, and keeps smashing it down, until Suman draws his attention to a mob of villagers approaching them for all corners. The two run, hide and run back to their companions. When the original three starts to move out, Zara decides they can't leave Suman back. All four of them start together, including an ecstatic Suman.

This would be the first case that Amir and Zara couldn't solve in any damn way. But, that's the beauty of the unexplained.

Draft: Pishach

Story 02: Episode 01

The story begins with a satanic ritual, slightly exaggerated and in-sync with Bangladeshi sensitivities, of course. An entire family is involved in it, and are led by an astrologer/necromancer. At the end of the ritual a young woman's soul is sold-off to the hell-spawn to bring good fortunes. The young woman turns into a possessed person. She starts doing serious poltergeist tricks, which makes the family so uncomfortable that they contemplate throwing her out of home. But, when they try to do that the young woman faces them with a completely un-natural voice, hissing revenge if they do it. The family backs away.

Zara gets summoned by the chief reporter, who hands the investigation over to her. She immediately takes to action. But, a quick visit to the house makes her thoroughly confused, as she can't associate the sweet and bubbly young woman in front of her to the horror stories told be the family and neighbors. When she flops down in a neighborhood cafe and starts chewing her pencil, another person flops down across her at the same table. Zara looks up to find Amir sitting with her. She brightens up and explains him the situation.

Amir goes to the family with her, telling that the spirit inside her will be manifest when certain artifacts are shown to it, coupled with certain mantras. When they reach the house, the woman remains as adorable as ever. But, when Amir produces an ancient charm and recites certain words, she changes into a hideous monstrosity, closely resembling her outer appearance, but with certain subtle differences. She shouts abuses and threats is an un-natural voice (partly in an unknown language), and magically hurls things at them. Zara and Amir bearly escape with their lives.

On this exciting note the episode ends.

Story 02: Episode 02

Zara gets to her office to find all her utensils and papers thrown helter skelter, some torn, some broken. She calls Amir to tell this. Amir runs to his office and finds the same has been done to his office. Both decide to go and meet the woman again. On the way, Amir explains hypnotic suggestions and spell-breakers. He shows Zara some of the spell-breaking stuff he brought from his office. Every logic that tells Zara that this is real possession is refuted by Amir.

When they reach the house, Amir does a lot of mumbo-jumbo - from sprinkling their own bodies with holy water and hanging large talismans all over their bodies down to drawing elaborate runes on the floor. Amir taunts the woman enough to lure her into the runes. Then he starts flailing charms and reciting mantras. The woman shouts, screams, groans, and eventually faints. Amir declares to the family that the hell-spawn has left. Only the father of the woman whispers, "But, won't the hell-spawn take a revenge on you?" Amir tells him and Zara that he is too well protected to for the hell-spawn to take a revenge.

Coming out of the house they both laugh at the fear of the father, and decides to get to the astrologer/necromancer to hand him over to the police. By the time they reach Amir's car, Zara drops her notebook. With the engine running they both get out to pick it up. While they are picking the notebook up, the car bursts into flames, together with a monstrous laugh coming out of nowhere.

May be there's a hell-spawn seeking revenge. May be the astrologer/necromancer had one more ace up his sleeve. The story ends with the audience completely vexed.

Note: I believe, this astrologer/necromancer can become a recurring character, like the Q of Star Trek.

Draft: Mitha Pukur

Story 01: Episode 01

The episode begins with a lot of hue and cry at village home at the break of dawn. the youngest of the child at that house is suffering bad. someone needs to take him to a doctor, but where the hell is money! then one of village elders come and offer the water from Mitha Pukur, the local holy pond that has turned holy suddenly a year back, and people are getting miraculously cured just by drinking the water.

Zara, a fearless TV reporter in her pursuit to do a news feature series on the unknown in Bangladesh arrives at the spot to investigate. All she find out is people praising this blessing and presenting first witnesses to miracles. No one ventures to provide her with reason, though she manages to make friends with a young and aspirational village youth, Zaman, who tells her that the elders believe the Djin come to the pond in the night to bless it. He also explains that there are two kinds of Djins - the good ones and the bad. And, incidentally the good ones hate the sight of unrelated women, and therfore it's forbidden for women to go to the pond in the night.

With curiosity burning in full throttle, Zara decides to take a look the pond in the night. But, all they find is vigilante group guarding it zealously, with Zaman at the helm. Zaman first wants to talk her away from the pond. But, she proves to be tough nut to crack. And, in the ensuing struggle she get badly injured by a meat-cleaver, and ends up being chased by an angry village mob.

While running through some thickets, suddenly another person leaps out of a bush,and drags her back to bush with her mouth clasped shut with his hand. Pinning her down securely, he whispers, "you idiot, don't shout and don't run. the sound you make is giving your position away like you were beating a drum to announce where they can get away." When the man releases the hand over her mouth, she whispers back, "Who are you?" The guy gives a suppressed giggle and answers, "A friend, for now, who wants you to be alive. Can't really vouch for tomorrow, though."

The episode ends on that note of surprising twist.

Story 01: Episode 02

The second episode begins that the same house where the child was sick at the beginning of the first episode, and Zara has come to interview the family. This is the first case she met in her tour to village where the miracle cure didn't work. She is surprised, and goes out to a village elder to ask for the reason. The elder just shrugs, and say that the water has no effect on minors who are uninitiatied yet to the mysteries of the world. While Zara comes out of the elder's house she meets Zaman, who is repents at his hurting Zara so bad. Looking at her crude bandage, he offer her a glass of holy pond water to get her cured fast. Too afraid to refuse, she drinks the water.

When Zaman goes back, another person appears, who obviously is a city man. Laughing at zara's inquisitive looks her whispers, "do you recognize my voice now?" Zara finds that this is the man who saved her life last night, and he is a psychologist doing a research on the unexplained, or to be more precious to prove that the unexplained is is so because of ignorance only. Amir, the research psychologist, Zara, and Zaman with fewt of his friends take the sick child to the nearest doctor. And, on the way Amir explains the power of placebo is healing, with the help of his laptop and wireless internet connection, making a convert out of Zara, who becomes sad feeling her big investigative report series has been nipped in the bud. He also manages to make Zaman and his friends quite skeptic, as he explains that placebo is depended on the strength of faith, and that's why the children are seldom cured.

With a heavy heart Zara leaves the village together with Amir, who managed to tend to her injuries in a more scientific way, declaring that the delay in proper treatment may result is several weeks to heal, and scars would remain sans a serious plastic surgery. On the way Zara requests him to do something about the itching inside her bandage. When Amir attempts to change the bandage he discovers in utter disbelieve that the injury has healed completely, and there's not the slightest of blemish on Zara.

Coming back to the town they both wonder - was it really a mass hysteric dependence on placebo, or was it really a miracle.

Note: I believe, Zara needs a camera person to operate as a TV reporter. I hope to develop the camera person as comic relief and a sidekick, like the kid taxi-driver in The Temple of Doom.

The young and the restful

A client is asking questions about the youth Bangladesh. So we sat up and took a good look around, dug up all the researches we have done and started talking to the youth. Who are they? What makes them tick? And, what we found was not too surprising, though still a bit of a disappointment. What we found made them apparently tough nuts to crack (sadly, as it means more work for us, advertising professionals). On the other hand, it is possible that they represent opportunities not explored (good, let's get cracking). One last thing before you venture further, we really didn't check those über-rich who shops in Dubai and holidays in South of France.

Here's what we found:
The youth has no role models, not among public personalities, not among the elders, and not even among their friends or acquaintances. They reckon that being influenced by external factors is not probably cool. It is important for them to be presentable, which includes adopting to the latest trends very much. But, they also seek ways of adding their personal touch and making subtle statements of difference in what they wear, how they talk and where they go. Yes, they want people to take notice of them, especially people from the opposite gender and often from their own close peers, but they believe more in making an impression through their personality than their outward appearance (well, outward appearance becomes just a projection of what lies inside).

At that note it becomes difficult for them to make a statement, as the young men and women universally define themselves as - "simple and fun-loving". Only a few describe their own self as "wild" or "compassionate" or "smart" or "focused". Very few. This fact stands in direct contradiction to another universal claim of the youth of Bangladesh - "I want to be myself, not following anyone in anything". When the contradiction is pointed out they admit that there indeed is a bit of incongruity here, and hardly are able to explain beyond that. Cool is hardly defined as a person who stands out loudly, rather cool is an insidious attitude that shows through when you get closer to the person. Who is the coolest person you know of? Most often the answer is a friend, sometimes even a relative, not a person they don't know up close and personal (a celebrity). If they choose a far removed person as role model, strangely enough the name of the Prophet Muhammad comes up most often (hijabs are getting popular, too). However way you talk to them, almost everyone comes out as fiercely individualistic, and very unable to establish their individuality.

Most of the youth indeed are "simple", as they can only define their ambitions as "getting by somehow without suffering" and their aspirations as "not being frowned at or looked down upon". Girls are more about studies and career. Guys not as much. What career? A job, with a decent portfolio and a decent pay (the ambitious lot invariably prefers to work for telcos or MNCs, the wilder lot would prefer something to do with show-biz). Romantic relations? For most, it's got more to do with flirting and short-terms than serious commitments. How did they know already that it's not that serious? Well, they just felt that way (don't tell my boyfriend/girlfriend, please). How about friends? Few they call friends, and they mostly belong to one or two tightly knit friend-circles (much more bent towards mixed gender groups than only a decade back). Facebook and MSN are big with the affluents, cellphones are "it" for the less advantaged. Naturally they believe their entire generation to be cool (they have experienced a lot more wonderful stuff than their elders, didn't they?).

What are their primary interests? Little. Most guys don't watch TV enough (at least when there's no cricket on), and most girls don't watch much beyond popular soaps. No one is really into sports (Where is the playing field? For gods sake there's none around), apart from watching a bit of cricket or soccer on TV (wrestling is also big draw for guys... oh! those muscles and those gals!). Music is mostly about whatever the current trend is (Habib, Arnob, Fuad, whoever), nothing much to explore (there are not too many cool musicians in Bangladesh, you know), and FM radio is getting popular, especially with their nocturnal programs. Politics? Oh please, not that. Hardly reads anything - books or newspapers (the news is better on TV).

Movies? Of course, anything available in DVDs (especially if they feature one of the Bollywood Khans - Shahrukh, Amir, Salman or Saif). The Khans and a number of cricketers, especially Ashraful, are big. But do they impress enough to generate followers? Not really, not much. How about gossips? It's fun, but mostly stays within the group (in case of girls, it also involves celebrities). Who is making pass at whom is a good conversation topic, especially if it featured damaging results. Pretty much conforms to the stereotype here, they do (apart from the sporting bit). The future? May be... well... not much... not really. For younger kids discussing future mostly means if they will be separated by separate schools, for the slightly older it is more about which place they are moving to (London? Dhaka? Uttara? It can be anywhere). With an increasingly large number of population moving locations it makes perfect conversation topics. And, ahem, how about recreational drugs? Booze and ganja on occasions, but venturing beyond that happened to few and happened only once (it's pretty hard to get honest answers anyways).

So where does the fun-loving part come from? Leg pulling, pranks and cranks and a lot of monkey business making fools out of each other. All that is tightly limited to inner circles, mostly. Once they get access to a group, they tend not to flirt out of it too much (some even seemed grateful that they they were accepted in). Not surprisingly most activities center around those inner-circles of people that came together though happenstance (sometimes its the people they grew up with, sometimes the gang found at the hostel, sometimes when they ventured to work for a club or a part-time job). It's important that parents approve of their friends, as staying over at each others place is common (more so among girls). Taking trips out of town is way more popular than before, and exotic locations that include really off-the-beaten-track destinations like Boga Lake Para in the hills are becoming popular (predictably, a lot of them aspire to take a long trip through India and Nepal). This finding, well, needs to be taken with a pinch of salt, as fun for the most part is indoors. Cafés or friends' homes, gyms or shopping malls - fun always has floors, walls and roofs.

They would hang-out together anytime anywhere, whenever there's an opportunity to do so. Cafés and fast-food joints, little hot tea shops by the school, open spaces, any corridor or stairs at the school, homes and hostels - all that are big draw venues, along with few favorites - GEC point in Chittagong, Saat Mathar Mor point in Bogra, Bibir Pushkuni in Barisal, TSC and the Dhanmondi Lake in Dhaka and so on. The tong, oh don't forget the quintessential tong, the little rundown shop that sells fags and hot tea and always seems to be around colleges and universities. A lot many more girls has picked up smoking (blame it on the company... well, the guys in the company), and universally tea and cola are part of hanging out together (amount of intake varies according to purchase power). Family is a given (yeah, yeah, I'll always be there when they need me, no need to rub it in), but action is where friends are. Most accessed cellphone rights using family and studies as excuses, while most make good use of telecom to get girls or boys and to network with friends (much of it in the deep of the night).

The language is a mish-mash of Bangla and English (weak grasp of both) with kids from lower income groups using more Bangla and their polar opposites using more English. A bit of Hindi is also creeping in (most wouldn't admit when asked). Bangla written in Roman alphabet is appreciated (remember SMS and MSN?), but more appreciated is the use of dialects and street coinage (promoted by Mustafa Sarwar Faruki, Fuad and DJuice). A huge language barrier exists between the income urban youth and the middle or lower income non-urban youth, and we call that barrier English. Hollywood, no matter how glamorous, is intimidating to non-urban youth as English dialogues present a formidable barrier to entertainment.

Deshi is in, very in. Starting from wearing "Amra Bangladesh" wrist bands to wearing beaded bangles and saffron kurtas, it is in for many people. A statement? Decidedly looks like one. Hip-hop and grunge are very in, too. You can tell that by the music blaring from their cellphones and CD players, as well as the Jeans that barely manages not to fall off, and piercing too (amazingly, multiple ear piercing can be found even in the old parts of Dhaka and Chittagong, both among guys and girls). Brands matter very much (valid more for the guys, as girls go more towards customization and experimentation). Increasing homogeneity of the youth may be one big reason (aspirationa rural young women see "parties" and "parlors" as major factors in their lives). It is easy to see that more expensive brands (Diesel, Armani, Mont Blanc, Gucci, Esprit, Davidoff, Rolex, FCUK and more in that line) are popular with more affluent of them, while the less advantaged go for the less expensive brands (Bangabazaar for instance) or counterfeit products carrying big-brand logos. Strange new brands are emerging across affluence levels like T-shirts sold at Aziz Market.

They don't conform to their parents values (naturally, their parents come from before the age of satellite TV, cellphones, DVDs and the Internet), or their teacher's advise (well, it's not the education that makes the man, it's what burns within). But, interestingly they are mighty impressed by the virtues of their parents (though the identified virtues vary wildly), though a bit skeptic about the possibility of adopting those virtues. More interestingly, many of them feel that listening their parents in the past would have done them much good (anyways, what's gone stays gone for them). They also are impressed by the teachers who made them work the hardest. Apparently not too proud of what they are and regretting what they could have become (yes, it's the world that wont allow them to grow in spirit and to show their true colors). Almost everyone is a late riser, and most would readily admit it to be "wrong".

They still are happy that their parents don't assert their opinions too much, and often let the youth take decisions about their lives (surprise, surprise). They believe they know way more than their parents about a lot many things (and they are right, too). Often their parents recognize that knowledge as well (cellphones, electronics, grad schools and eateries are some areas of knowledge disparity). Bottled-up, a little low on self-esteem, and lazily optimistic, they really can't tell where they want to be five years from now. But, well, that doesn't bother them either.

The youth is still disenfranchised, like ever, but they are not really that restless anymore.

Here's what they found:
Pepsi in the end decided to run a research on their own, and (wow) did they find wonderful facts out! Check.

The Cultural Context

Bangladesh is a poor country with all the problems that plague a poor country: political instability, lack of economic growth, corruption, unemployment etc.

A Patriarchal Society: The father’s word is a line in stone and is not questioned
A male-dominated society: Preference is clearly given to males in terms of education and freedom of movement
Pro-Pakistan. Anti-India: The inflation raise is attributed to lack of aid
Bangla Pride: The aspiration is for economic prosperity but not to break away from the conservative social, cultural and religious system

The Bangladesh Youth

• The Ungeneration: The youth does not see themselves as a collective. Generation automatically refers to the next or the previous generation.
• The Traditionals: “We learn by copying our parents. We don’t experiment on our own. Parents don’t want us to.” They aren’t really open to accepting new things:
• The Unrebels: Parental interference is to the extent of hair-styles and the kind of clothes that they wear. Choices of education, career, and later marriage, are determined by parental influence.
• The Safe-Players: They would prefer stable govt. jobs; entrepreneurship is a ‘no-option’ option. Newer careers are still not available in full gusto though marketing and management are gaining importance. Studying abroad, in the USA, UK and Australia is aspirational.
• The Patriots: “Build yourself. Build your country.” was the most resonant sentiment.
• The Secluded: English hasn’t picked up as a language or influence.

Aspirations

To be socially active (Individual fame & glory and altruism)
“I want to be remembered when I die”
“I’d like to help poor/old people. I don’t like the concept of old homes”

To be something different
“I want to be a designer”

Personal growth
“I want to talk in English”

Meeting the Basics
“I will quit my job and start a business because the salary I am getting doesn’t help to manage my living standard.”

I wrote this in 2008.

It's not about anybody's apple, ever

We don't live in an ideal world. Oh! You knew that already! Sorry about that. But, we don't live in an ideal world. Just take a look at the crap that gets thrown at a planner everyday.

Planning constructs are supposed to be built on enormous amount of information, or at least what remains after sifting through that amount. The core of planning is supposed to be inspired by pieces of information that most people failed to notice. But, what comes in doesn't resemble that possibility in any damn way. A handful of mundane information, provided on a need to know basis (who the bloody hell decides what needs to be known, when nobody knows what more could be known!) makes perfect fodder for planning in the eyes of the people who provide them (clients, client servicing, researchers and the whole gamut).

It is wonderful to see people asking a farmer to explain the weather, or a physicist to explain why Windows Vista is not working on my PC. I guess, for the uninitiated knowledge is just born on trees, like the apple that fell on Newton. But, unfortunately (for them and Newton) it never is that easy. Years of dawdling with the most abstract of abstracts mathematics preceded the apple back then, as it does now in everything that deals with knowledge.

Hannibal lost, because of insufficient information, and Ho Chi Minh won because he knew everything about everything in Vietnam. Us, poor planners, can't plan to do any better than the giants for the life of us. I guess I'll have to figure out a way to drive that point into some thick skulls that bend nails when hammered.

I wrote this in 2007.

When someone walks in through that door

Yes, when someone walks in through that door into the planning room I have a feeling of dread. I know it's either of the two things they are going to say - (1) "Can you, please, make a rocking power point presentation for me?" (2) "I need an idea, a really rocking idea."

Well, planning is not exactly about making power point presentations, and it's not exactly about ideas either. Planning is about elaborate structures that seeks to develop a brand with directions for the idea people (that means the creative department, dude), and finding insights to base that structure on. Yes, sometimes we do make rocking presentations, but that's a bonus. When you forgo the real planning part and go for the bonus, it really shows that you haven't evolved as much as advertising did. May be you need to seek a job at a clients office, where you can start expecting miracles and/or service delivery upon order from your advertising agency.

It gives me enormous pain to see how insights are largely, if not completely, ignored by our advertising agencies. We, so desperately, need to have a clear view of what's up in the clutter! No wonder, the shelf life for most advertisement in popular memory has dwindled down to a measly six months for the very best. Talkability is down to something around three months. We don't hit the target, unless the target hits us in the face. Sad, but true.

So, next time you walk in through that door, please, pretty please, have a sensible demand. Then again may be it's too much to ask for.

I wrote this in 2008.

C what I mean?

After a long time, posting something to with planning. It's about the 5 "C"s I've found absolutely necessary for good planning:

Category Insight: How does products and brands behave in a category. That category could be something as wide as "FMCG" or something as narrow as high-end mobile mobile handsets. The client should be able to help with buying habits, market challenges, competitions' strengths, and more. A retail survey and household survey should also be able to help at that. Quantitative? Qualitative? I'd say both.

Consumer Insight: The tricky part, and total planning job. Mining for consumer insights isn't an easy job. Conventional marketing and behavioral research may not deliver the appropriate insight at all. An entire range of stuff - from experiencing the consumer with and open mind and an open heart to taking a look at biological features of psychology - may be needed before coming to the the insight to make or break history. This alone is enough to keep the planner busy with both high-end studies and living a fully social life. Surprise draws attention, but meeting expectations works to hold them on.

Cultural Insight: Never to forget that the homo sapience is a social and cultural being, evolving fast in the cultural direction. There has to be solid insights into emerging trends as well as cultural bedrocks, hallmarks and landscape of the field of operation. Even at a global scale this is a total necessity. It is often wiser to ride on the existing cultural paradigm than to fight it. You really don't want to interrupt you audience who is already pressed against time and fighting against your thousands of competitors trying grab their attention.

Communication Insight: Competition mapping for an advertising professional isn't really about the merchandise they are selling, rather it is the communication they are selling. I'll strongly insist upon that we don't get carried away by the "creativity" of some of the communication that come out. It is important to draw attention and "disrupt", but are measuring these communication for their impact (i.e. is it translating into trial or retention?) and, of course, their shelf life. Even the most memorable works of advertisement these days hardly have a shelf life of more than three months. The clutter and the race towards greater creativity is just getting way too much. Sometimes it might help us to be completely non-creative, if we are sure of what we are doing.

(and last, but not the least) Client Insight: The client is a many headed beast. Living too close to the brand and burdened with business cases, they mostly miss all the points there are. It is primarily important to understand how far the client is ready to go and what syntax would get through the client's cute little head. Without this there is no selling of creative material or strategies. The consumer/audience don't give a flying rat's ass to what the CCO or CMO of a company is going through, but they do care about the creative material they experience. And, at that lies the Achilles' Heals of advertising. Damn.

Consumer Insight I can manage most of the times. Cultural Insights I devise out of thin air. Category Insights I have on an on-and-off basis. Communication Insight I can borrow. But, that last-but-not-the-least Insight I never get, almost. 

Let's reinvent the wheel

So, I keep hearing this again and again and again and again - "Let's not reinvent the wheel." I hear it so often that I often feel the urge to shove the wise-guys cracking the wheel line under the wheels of a railcar or something. Damn them, and damn the advise to not invent the wheel. Let's never shy away from reinventing the wheel. It might bring quite a few practical benefits:

• An alternative design: A square wheel may be no good for a cart, but it may come mighty useful in a locking mechanism or some other machine.
• An alternative material: A wheel made of cotton may be of no use outdoors, but in a hospital or something it might come very useful.
• An alternative process: Burning a wheel may be very useful when you need to speed up the process, instead of curving it.

And, above all you can always have the joy in knowing that your superior intelligence have never depended on someone else to invent the wheel for you. Cheers.

Not much meaningful anyways

There is no meaning. There are only associations. All the concepts we use are meaningful only in the context of what we associate with them. To a kid who never seen a bird, apart from the sorry fellows living in his father's poultry a bird would not mean flight, much less freedom. In England they have a dozen words (hence a dozen concepts) to identify rain in multiple forms. In Bangladesh we have two dozen words to mean love, and all mean something slightly different from the other.

Advertising people know that. And, that's why the fight is always on to associate brands with stuff that we find relevant. Associating Mountain Dew with extreme sports and associating Lux with Aishwaryia Rai are only two examples. There are so many ways to do exactly that. Banglalink has chosen and extensively used a warm, vibrant and friendly color. Pepsi has used images of high energy fun in everything. Coca-cola has built stories around the word "thanda". Levis has used sizzling models through and through.

The problem begins when the association becomes "it" for a brand. Take Grameenphone for an example. The theme of Stay Close has become so all encompassing for them that no other value, no other story or no other image gets even the slightest of chance there. Good for a short burst. But pretty bad for long term brand building, eh? The same goes for the new Arku Spice campaign. Nice that someone is associating the color red with a campaign for chili powder brand. But, what to say when there's nothing else to it?

Why don't we remember that the audience of today are already tired of the information clutter around them. MTV has brought down our attention span down to a maximum of 3 minutes, and an average of 600 commercial stimuli has taken our capacity to retain to a new height of fragmentation. We are easily bored and we don't care to remember anything for long. Yesterday is always one year back, and the likeability for even the most popular commercials hardly go beyond 3 months. The question is simple - do we really need to overkill an association and make the audience filter it automatically out as garbage? Or do we build on powerful stories and images that are always fresh and innovative while keeping the associative stuff in the background?

It's easy to get associated with boredom and overbearing. You don't even have to try for it.

Fact and factories

I see a few different types of planning departments at work. Some of them are part of huge assembly line that we call an advertising agency. Others work as a convergent point for the a discipline we call advertising. Yet others work as a supplementary service for the core advertising practices. And, of course, there's a final type, like my very own department, that keeps shifting its role.

The assembly line planners live as part of a smooth machine that flows from client to servicing, from servicing to planning, from planning to creatives, from creatives to servicing again, then to production, events and whatever.

The convergent planners serve as a think tank for servicing, creatives, research, events and even the production departments, and the machine is laid out in a spherical format, not a linear one.

And... *sigh*... those poor planners who work in a dark dinghy corner on the factory floor, to be summoned if and when they are required... I don't even know how I'd describe their job. These shops, no matter how well running, are probably cottage industries, not destined to become any proposition of magnitude (emphasis on probably).

Strangely enough, there are planners available, as it seems, for each of the situations. There are those who would prefer to work as part of an assembly line, free of worries of exploration and always with their work clearly cut-out by somebody else (managers, service people, clients... whoever, as long it is somebody else, it's fine). Born to bear the flag of mediocrity and never accomplishing anything bigger than a pay hike, these planners probably would always remain the mainstay of the industry.

The convergence planners are a rare breed, and not surprisingly most of these people end up writing best sellers or making headline news (positive news, dude, not a dope scandal). Naturally they may face a resistance, of different magnitude, from even their own agencies. But, when that obstacle doesn't exist or is removed they tend to move on to the Olympus (Mythili Chandrashekhar, Martin Lindstrom, Al Ries).

And, the cave-dwelling planners? Well, those lazy bums are there just because their agencies felt they need planners (it's kind of fashionable too) and they applied because they were just looking for a job, any job. Now that their only experience is of planning, they are kind of stuck with it.

A towel is not just a towel

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. (Arthur C. Clarke)

How many of you have been delusional enough to believe that a towel is just a towel? How many have never considered its use beyond - (a) drying yourself; (b) covering yourself before you get dressed? If you haven't gone beyond that yet, please, try to use that little gray stuff stuffed into your topmost bone structure.

A towel can become a turban, in times of heat, and, yes, in times of cold. Better still, it can become a keffiyeh if you want (if you're not familiar with one of those headdresses look long and hard at a traditional Arab). It can remain a dress for as long as you want - working alternatively as a sarong, a lungi/mundu/dhoti, or a shawl (and, yes, the towel-shawl can be used as an over-garment too). If you're Superman or Batman or Magneto, you definitely can try using a towel as a cape.

It can also be a carrying bag for little pieces of stuff, or a stuffing for those little pieces in a larger carrying bag, especially if those little pieces are kind of fragile. You also can beat out smaller fires with a towel, or really small adversaries (more so if you have a bit of Shaolin training in you). For the faint of heart, the idea would be to wrap the killing instrument with a towel to use it as silencer.

A towel is also a sleeping arrangement. If you don't believe me ask any of those loners from the Lonely Planet. You can spread a towel on the ground to turn it into a bed, or spread it on your body to turn it into a blanket, or roll it under your head to make a pillow. If you already have everything needed to sleep turn the towel into a window drape, so that your neighbor won't find out that you're prone to sleeping unshaven. Who needs more, really!

A towel is an dining arrangement. Pour some puffed-rice or flattened-rice or crisped-rice onto it along with some mustard oil, onions, chili and, voila, you have a plate ready. For drinks, dip a corner of the towel into the drink and suck on it (for heavy drinkers, a better idea would be dipping the whole towel in). If you have the plate and the glass already there, then use the towel as a seat, or a cover for the seat. Wonderful, eh?

A towel can become a bandage or a sling in medical emergencies. You can use it as muleta (that would be a small piece of cloth that you wave in front of an angry bull, but only if you're either very suicidal or a trained matador). For a little child it can be a very comfortable hammock or a baby-sling. And, hey, in this month of Ramadan, how can I forget its amazing use as a prayer rug.

Thank you Lord for giving us this wonderful gift of a towel. Hallelujah.

Heavily inspired by Douglas Adams and Smita Aparna

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again

Sweet dreams are made of these. Who am I to disagree?

A couple of nights back I started out with a pretty simple dream - I was trying to take a few people through a trip to my home - and it turned into such a nightmare that I woke up almost with my sheet soaking wet. It took me days to go through whole maze of the dream, and I don't think I have figured it out completely yet.

I couldn't recognize my home. I knew where it was exactly, I could feel the house, but there wasn't a single landmark, a single symbol standing that looked familiar. In my dream I could remember that my home is a little 400 odd square feet tiny apartment on the fourth floor of five-story building with lots of tress around, but the house I went to was in the middle of a huge apartment building with lots and lots of other flats all around. On the particular story, the fourth floor, everything was taken down - the walls, the windows, and everything - for reconstruction. Pigeons were flying through the holes in the wall, gaping maws of window ports were covered with thick black paper, and puddles of filthy water adorned the floor all over.I went down to find the landlord, and she wasn't there. Nobody else remembered me. In fact the neighbors claimed the house was always like this, and I must have been out of my wits to claim that I ever lived there.

Pretty simple, aye? It is. But then I start to remember even in my dream that the house I grew up in, a staff quarter of Dhaka University, is lost to me as my mother retired. I have known no other place as a home till I got married. I was not even there when my mother and sisters shifted to this massive apartment building that houses some 30,000 people. I was happy in a tiny apartment in a semi-familiar neighborhood, and somewhat happy when I moved to another apartment on the top floor of a five story building in the same Dhaka neighborhood. Both the firth and the third homes had plenty trees around. Then my marriage fell apart, and the my final home as a married man was torn down to make space for a large apartment building. Through all these I made my office a second home, and right at this moment that office is being rehashed. No planning room will exist at my office anymore.

I felt so homeless in my dream. Nothing looks familiar anymore, nobody remembers my home. It's gone, more like they are gone, all of them. Only the pigeons and the thick black paper felt a bit reassuring. I know them both, only they are not to be mine. I know. And, probably I can't even talk about them either.

Somehow, when I woke up sweating and on the verge of sobbing out loud, I felt I'll never ever be able take someone through a trip to my home again. Homeless people don't do that.

Wrote this in May 1, 2010

Glimpses of World History

history is essentially a rock band. very rocky, very banned.

in the beginning, there was only darkness. then stephen king created the big bang, and separated the big from the bang. not to be outdone, god almighty zilla, the other cambridge physicist, created jesus christ. to make the story complete he also created judas, pilate and mary magdalene - apparently by order of universal studios.


in 209, chuck norris established the roundhouse. god saw the roundhouse and it was good. so he blessed it. soon the town sprouted around the roundhouse. check norris saw the town and it was good. so he killed the first mayor - scooby doo. the doo was done for good.
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in 296, disneyland was taken over by santa claus inc. rudolf rednose reindeer, the spokesperson for jolly ole saint nicholas, the chairperson of the company, kept the acquisition secret in apprehension of fairy-dust producing mafiosi. but, cnn eventually found the truth out, a case that became famous as the santagate tapes.

in 361, everyone was happy. they were so happy that 80% of all strip-joints and 65% of all pubs had to shut down due to lack of business. that was the year when christmas became popular. coca-cola, red bull and guiness decided to sponsor it together.

in 461, tut-ankh-amen, senior producer for virgin records floated the infamous band peter, paul and mary. tzar peter the great form russia, paul mccartney from liver-cirrhosis and typhoid mary from the US were picked as members through the first reality show - "lend a rubber" - sponsored by micheline. unfortunately the band had more records returned than sold.

in 498, dj a-shock became the emperor of india. he had but one problem, india was just a myth and not a real country. well... a-shock was a follower of lord badass, the prince of persia and propagator of rebirths. apparently he believed that by his sixth reincarnation india will start to exist.

in 548, martini discovered the radio. he was also known as macaroni. early radios looked a bit like sashimi, only more spicy. martini aka macaroni improved his design to make them look like pasta, only less spicy. conservatives who liked the early design, and pastorals who liked the later design have been at each others throat ever since.

in 581, the town faced a real catastrophe, the nature of which is still unknown. the day was obviously saved by the powerpuff girls - jayne mansfield, dolly parton and pamela anderson. though the day was saved, the night wasn't. the night happily went comatose (alternatively spelled tomatoes)

617 was the year of the great schism. hindus and muslims finally fell apart over spiritual matters. hindus called their holy spirit the rum, and muslims called theirs the gin. the beers of netherlands (an alternative term for hell) took the opportunity to start the beer war in south of france (alternatively known as zululand).

in 678, nothing happened. it was a pretty big thing to happen. nothing was produced by hollywood mega-mogul boris yeltsin. nothing was performed by the queen of sheba, and her boyfriend king soloman (previously known as prince loneboy). nothing was all the rage for a year. then nothing died a silent death with the advent of the latest fad - something.

in 731, the marx brothers - richard and karl - met mommies, the ruling parents of egypt who replaced papas as the dominant parents. that meeting inspired a number of chart topping singles like "star spangled banner", "good bye blue sky" and "beat it". the number of mommies declined over time. they are now listed with the irresponsible union for contradiction in nature (iucn) red list for endangered species.

in 755, abraham lincoln aka washboard abs drafted the american declaration of independence which started like "all men are equal". but since that left out women and the superman from consideration, it had to be redrafted. the final version read like "all men, women, the superman and wonder woman are almost equal, you moron".

in 814, daniel learned to read. since books were not available in israel, he was reading only the writings on the wall. it's worth noting that the wall is essentially a beatles album. eventually daniel invented a book that had walls built into it. for some strange reason he called it a facebook.

in 866, the pope fell in love with the dope. christianity became the highest of religions ever since. it was declared an aviation hazard by the federal aviation administration (faa). world wild life fund (wwf) also declared it as a hazard to bald eagles and vampire bats.

in 1069, mount vesuvius erupted in rome, more precisely near the termini station. though the italians hated it, the japos really liked the erupting mountain. they immediately imported in to yokohama sub-urbs, and renamed it as mount fuji. the newly installed mountain gave birth to one of the biggest merchandising fads in history.

in 1011, leonardo de caprio painted all of his ex-girlfriends - donalisa, analisa, rhonalisa and monalisa - and posted to myspace. the girls sued leonardo. he took shelter in the trees with rest of the ninja turtles - donatello, raphael and michelangelo. unfortunately the hand of law is pretty long, and they ended up weaving woolen gloves for those hands for a long time at blackgate penitentiary in gotham city.

in 1129, the whole town was gutted by fire, burning everything and a few marshmallows. fortunately the marshmallows burned to the right consistency. and god saw it was good, and he made the three stooges - hitler, zenghis, and montezuma - the lords of marshmallows. pretty neat. only cain, the mayor or the town, was not too happy about it. so, he was banished to the world of sirens and cyclops forever. sad.

1172 was the most peaceful year in history. only 3,822 wars erupted around the world, and no more than 39% of global population was wiped off, with 44% more maimed or crippled. there were enough people left to write chronicles of peace, love and prosperity. it is believed that a few ballads were written as well.

in 1228, chuck norris pretended to die. obviously, he can't die, because the inmates of hell are not ready to take more punishment. no one was allowed to ask questions about the death. because, you don't ask chuck norris anything, he does the questioning after he kills you.

in 1348, before the black plague and after the jewish holocaust, they had three years of peace and happiness. it was only shortly interrupted by the marriage between aladin and rapunzel. they said dane girls are too meek for arab boys. thus was the circumcision invented. all hail the skin flick.

in 1414, the sun refused to set in the british empire. so the poor people at branson bakery invented the turkish empire. a pretty cool invention considering that the sun started setting in that empire every morning. naturally, tourism started booming there immediately. them british are such losers.

in 1430, robin hood joined the crusades. but since the crusaders were tired of blood and gore by that time, all the action he had was a bit pornographic in nature. the king of hebrews cut his role down to a pg13 version, and the war was lost to turkish harems. long live harems of the world.


in 1535, national autistic and schizophrenic association (nasa) discovered the moon. skeptics, agnostics and whirling dervishes claimed that it was not discovered, rather it was invented by nasa. the controversy continued over months, until they had to forget the whole issue in the face of extreme threat from killer ants from lebanon. incidentally, the moon was never seen again.

circa 1617, the kingdom of heaven, a disney franchise, went out of vogue.

in 1678, the sun finally rose in the turkish empire. the light shone through all the harems. obviously it marked the end of the turkish conquests. presumably no one was ready to to conquer the unwashed and oversized harem dwellers. not even the turks.

in 1702, the ottomans eventually moved on to make space for ottowomans. it was much celebrated by eco-feminists at the height of their bra-burning movement.

in 1765 they had three consecutive years without any january 25, the christmas. poor folks, they had to make do with the seven years war. in the end the turks won. but, they had uncle ho on their side. it was only then the magna carta decided - there would never be a year without a christmas, let alone three.

in 1743, national enquirer printed a story about the gregorian decree to start a new calender. it was found to be a piece of misinformation, but nobody cared. in fact, no body ever cared about a cleander in the whole of human history.

1812 had been a year of tragedies. that year methuselah, the ever longest surviving rockstar, got married to britney spears, peanut butter was invented by a group of albanian physicists, and the shaolin monks signed a multi-billion dollar endorsement contract with nike. effects of those cataclysms are still reflected in the stars.

in 1889, the year of the black cat, according to viking astrology, akbar the great retiered ending his reign over whirling dervishes and the witches of birmingham.then he went into theater acting. for several decades he ruled the broadway scene, and won a few awards in the process.

other people are doing this too, only they are failing college admission tests
the rest of the band member are resting in peace here
eat shit, punditjee