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| history is essentially a rock band. very rocky, very banned. |
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the beginning, there was only darkness. then stephen king created the big bang, and separated the big from the bang. not to be outdone, god almighty zilla, the other cambridge physicist, created jesus christ. to make the story complete he also created judas, pilate and mary magdalene - apparently by order of universal studios.
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209, chuck norris established the roundhouse. god saw the roundhouse and it was good. so he blessed it. soon the town sprouted around the roundhouse. check norris saw the town and it was good. so he killed the first mayor - scooby doo. the doo was done for good.
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296, disneyland was taken over by santa claus inc. rudolf rednose reindeer, the spokesperson for jolly ole saint nicholas, the chairperson of the company, kept the acquisition secret in apprehension of fairy-dust producing mafiosi. but, cnn eventually found the truth out, a case that became famous as the santagate tapes.
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361, everyone was happy. they were so happy that 80% of all strip-joints and 65% of all pubs had to shut down due to lack of business. that was the year when christmas became popular. coca-cola, red bull and guiness decided to sponsor it together.
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461, tut-ankh-amen, senior producer for virgin records floated the infamous band peter, paul and mary. tzar peter the great form russia, paul mccartney from liver-cirrhosis and typhoid mary from the US were picked as members through the first reality show - "lend a rubber" - sponsored by micheline. unfortunately the band had more records returned than sold.
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498, dj a-shock became the emperor of india. he had but one problem, india was just a myth and not a real country. well... a-shock was a follower of lord badass, the prince of persia and propagator of rebirths. apparently he believed that by his sixth reincarnation india will start to exist.
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548, martini discovered the radio. he was also known as macaroni. early radios looked a bit like sashimi, only more spicy. martini aka macaroni improved his design to make them look like pasta, only less spicy. conservatives who liked the early design, and pastorals who liked the later design have been at each others throat ever since.
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581, the town faced a real catastrophe, the nature of which is still unknown. the day was obviously saved by the powerpuff girls - jayne mansfield, dolly parton and pamela anderson. though the day was saved, the night wasn't. the night happily went comatose (alternatively spelled tomatoes)
617 was the year of the great schism. hindus and muslims finally fell apart over spiritual matters. hindus called their holy spirit the rum, and muslims called theirs the gin. the beers of netherlands (an alternative term for hell) took the opportunity to start the beer war in south of france (alternatively known as zululand).
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678, nothing happened. it was a pretty big thing to happen. nothing was produced by hollywood mega-mogul boris yeltsin. nothing was performed by the queen of sheba, and her boyfriend king soloman (previously known as prince loneboy). nothing was all the rage for a year. then nothing died a silent death with the advent of the latest fad - something.
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731, the marx brothers - richard and karl - met mommies, the ruling parents of egypt who replaced papas as the dominant parents. that meeting inspired a number of chart topping singles like "star spangled banner", "good bye blue sky" and "beat it". the number of mommies declined over time. they are now listed with the irresponsible union for contradiction in nature (iucn) red list for endangered species.
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755, abraham lincoln aka washboard abs drafted the american declaration of independence which started like "all men are equal". but since that left out women and the superman from consideration, it had to be redrafted. the final version read like "all men, women, the superman and wonder woman are almost equal, you moron".
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814, daniel learned to read. since books were not available in israel, he was reading only the writings on the wall. it's worth noting that the wall is essentially a beatles album. eventually daniel invented a book that had walls built into it. for some strange reason he called it a facebook.
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866, the pope fell in love with the dope. christianity became the highest of religions ever since. it was declared an aviation hazard by the federal aviation administration (faa). world wild life fund (wwf) also declared it as a hazard to bald eagles and vampire bats.
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1069, mount vesuvius erupted in rome, more precisely near the termini station. though the italians hated it, the japos really liked the erupting mountain. they immediately imported in to yokohama sub-urbs, and renamed it as mount fuji. the newly installed mountain gave birth to one of the biggest merchandising fads in history.
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1011, leonardo de caprio painted all of his ex-girlfriends - donalisa, analisa, rhonalisa and monalisa - and posted to myspace. the girls sued leonardo. he took shelter in the trees with rest of the ninja turtles - donatello, raphael and michelangelo. unfortunately the hand of law is pretty long, and they ended up weaving woolen gloves for those hands for a long time at blackgate penitentiary in gotham city.
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1129, the whole town was gutted by fire, burning everything and a few marshmallows. fortunately the marshmallows burned to the right consistency. and god saw it was good, and he made the three stooges - hitler, zenghis, and montezuma - the lords of marshmallows. pretty neat. only cain, the mayor or the town, was not too happy about it. so, he was banished to the world of sirens and cyclops forever. sad.
1172 was the most peaceful year in history. only 3,822 wars erupted around the world, and no more than 39% of global population was wiped off, with 44% more maimed or crippled. there were enough people left to write chronicles of peace, love and prosperity. it is believed that a few ballads were written as well.
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1228, chuck norris pretended to die. obviously, he can't die, because the inmates of hell are not ready to take more punishment. no one was allowed to ask questions about the death. because, you don't ask chuck norris anything, he does the questioning after he kills you.
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1348, before the black plague and after the jewish holocaust, they had three years of peace and happiness. it was only shortly interrupted by the marriage between aladin and rapunzel. they said dane girls are too meek for arab boys. thus was the circumcision invented. all hail the skin flick.
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1414, the sun refused to set in the british empire. so the poor people at branson bakery invented the turkish empire. a pretty cool invention considering that the sun started setting in that empire every morning. naturally, tourism started booming there immediately. them british are such losers.
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1430, robin hood joined the crusades. but since the crusaders were tired of blood and gore by that time, all the action he had was a bit pornographic in nature. the king of hebrews cut his role down to a pg13 version, and the war was lost to turkish harems. long live harems of the world.
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1535, national autistic and schizophrenic association (nasa) discovered the moon. skeptics, agnostics and whirling dervishes claimed that it was not discovered, rather it was invented by nasa. the controversy continued over months, until they had to forget the whole issue in the face of extreme threat from killer ants from lebanon. incidentally, the moon was never seen again.
circa
1617, the kingdom of heaven, a disney franchise, went out of vogue.
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1678, the sun finally rose in the turkish empire. the light shone through all the harems. obviously it marked the end of the turkish conquests. presumably no one was ready to to conquer the unwashed and oversized harem dwellers. not even the turks.
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1702, the ottomans eventually moved on to make space for ottowomans. it was much celebrated by eco-feminists at the height of their bra-burning movement.
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1765 they had three consecutive years without any january 25, the christmas. poor folks, they had to make do with the seven years war. in the end the turks won. but, they had uncle ho on their side. it was only then the magna carta decided - there would never be a year without a christmas, let alone three.
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1743, national enquirer printed a story about the gregorian decree to start a new calender. it was found to be a piece of misinformation, but nobody cared. in fact, no body ever cared about a cleander in the whole of human history.
1812 had been a year of tragedies. that year methuselah, the ever longest surviving rockstar, got married to britney spears, peanut butter was invented by a group of albanian physicists, and the shaolin monks signed a multi-billion dollar endorsement contract with nike. effects of those cataclysms are still reflected in the stars.
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1889, the year of the black cat, according to viking astrology, akbar the great retiered ending his reign over whirling dervishes and the witches of birmingham.then he went into theater acting. for several decades he ruled the broadway scene, and won a few awards in the process.
other people are doing this too, only they are failing college admission tests
the rest of the band member are resting in peace here
eat shit, punditjee
